This morning I went for a walk around 5:15 AM. It was beautiful. There was fog everywhere, and it wasn't cold...but it wasn't warm, either. I love walking when it's still dark out. I feel safer. As I walked down the deserted street, admiring the few houses with Christmas lights still lit, I felt judged as I passed under each streetlight. Like they were interrogating me, shining their bright spotlights through the moving fog. I could see the sickly green glow of the lights from the school, bright enough to aid any pedophile within a mile radius to the location of a lost child. As I walked by the school, shocked at how beautiful the rays of light piercing through the tree branches looked....like souls....the silhouette of the playground echoed easier days. Scraped knees, bruises....cuts that healed a lot easier than the cuts we deal with today. If only things were still that easy. It was beautiful, I went around the school twice because of how beautiful it was...thinking.
And I wished you could have seen it all with me.
And I wished you could have felt it.
12.08.2009
12.06.2009
12.05.2009
12.04.2009
Nostalgia.
The wave of nostalgia sweeping over me is viciously overwhelming. It's almost unbearable, as if a million of those little colored rubber bands are being stretched throughout my brain - each one its own emotionally-damaging or saving memory and thought. I can almost feel the friction where they cross paths. Abrasive, but they continue, regardless.
I have spent so many years in this house. This was the first place I lived when I moved to Texas to Florida. I was sad to leave home, but happy to be near Grandma and Grandpa. It was a big change, but I knew that we would make it. I grew so much, and somehow, I always end up back here periodically at very important, vital parts of my life. Somehow it always seems to be when I feel like giving up. As I sit here, staring out the window, wishing that my grandmother was here for me to talk to...I realize how much I've grown. How much the world has changed around me, and how much I have changed to adapt to the world. How much I still need to learn, and feel, and experience.
And as I sit here, I still feel hopeless...and lost...I wish it was raining. I pray for a thunderstorm. I do not enjoy feeling this way. I wish I could see the future, but I don't. I know I need to persist, for others - I just wish I could persist for myself.
In 2 weeks, I say my goodbyes to Florida. Who knows what Massachusetts will have in store for me. It's terrifying, but I know it needs to happen.
I have spent so many years in this house. This was the first place I lived when I moved to Texas to Florida. I was sad to leave home, but happy to be near Grandma and Grandpa. It was a big change, but I knew that we would make it. I grew so much, and somehow, I always end up back here periodically at very important, vital parts of my life. Somehow it always seems to be when I feel like giving up. As I sit here, staring out the window, wishing that my grandmother was here for me to talk to...I realize how much I've grown. How much the world has changed around me, and how much I have changed to adapt to the world. How much I still need to learn, and feel, and experience.
And as I sit here, I still feel hopeless...and lost...I wish it was raining. I pray for a thunderstorm. I do not enjoy feeling this way. I wish I could see the future, but I don't. I know I need to persist, for others - I just wish I could persist for myself.
In 2 weeks, I say my goodbyes to Florida. Who knows what Massachusetts will have in store for me. It's terrifying, but I know it needs to happen.
11.30.2009
Hm.
No matter how much I may doubt myself, how much I dislike myself, how many backward steps I take - there are small moments, such as certain conversations...and certain arrangements of musical notes....that make me feel alright.
11.28.2009
11.23.2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
