Nostalgia.

The wave of nostalgia sweeping over me is viciously overwhelming. It's almost unbearable, as if a million of those little colored rubber bands are being stretched throughout my brain - each one its own emotionally-damaging or saving memory and thought. I can almost feel the friction where they cross paths. Abrasive, but they continue, regardless.

I have spent so many years in this house. This was the first place I lived when I moved to Texas to Florida. I was sad to leave home, but happy to be near Grandma and Grandpa. It was a big change, but I knew that we would make it. I grew so much, and somehow, I always end up back here periodically at very important, vital parts of my life. Somehow it always seems to be when I feel like giving up. As I sit here, staring out the window, wishing that my grandmother was here for me to talk to...I realize how much I've grown. How much the world has changed around me, and how much I have changed to adapt to the world. How much I still need to learn, and feel, and experience.


And as I sit here, I still feel hopeless...and lost...I wish it was raining. I pray for a thunderstorm. I do not enjoy feeling this way. I wish I could see the future, but I don't. I know I need to persist, for others - I just wish I could persist for myself.

In 2 weeks, I say my goodbyes to Florida. Who knows what Massachusetts will have in store for me. It's terrifying, but I know it needs to happen.

Hm.

No matter how much I may doubt myself, how much I dislike myself, how many backward steps I take - there are small moments, such as certain conversations...and certain arrangements of musical notes....that make me feel alright.

And with that...

I am going to start writing music again.

An actual update of my life

I'm moving to Massachusetts in a couple of weeks.

No.

I am tired of this responsibility to humankind. I am tired of it all.

My red world here, now, means more to me than your blue one. Let me show you.

I am becoming violently detached from humanity. If I had a cell phone, I would stay off the internet completely. I wish it were possible from me to eradicate all human interaction in my life altogether, but I do need a job. It would also be nice if my brain would stop putting together painful situations and looping them in my head for hours on end, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep or think positively.

Help me.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't even know who I'm asking, I'm just that fucking desperate. I know I'm stronger than this, but why can't I act or feel like it. I've never felt so lost in my life. I've always given for everyone, and been there for everyone, and right now I really can't even handle my own life.