5:00

This morning I went for a walk around 5:15 AM. It was beautiful. There was fog everywhere, and it wasn't cold...but it wasn't warm, either. I love walking when it's still dark out. I feel safer. As I walked down the deserted street, admiring the few houses with Christmas lights still lit, I felt judged as I passed under each streetlight. Like they were interrogating me, shining their bright spotlights through the moving fog. I could see the sickly green glow of the lights from the school, bright enough to aid any pedophile within a mile radius to the location of a lost child. As I walked by the school, shocked at how beautiful the rays of light piercing through the tree branches looked....like souls....the silhouette of the playground echoed easier days. Scraped knees, bruises....cuts that healed a lot easier than the cuts we deal with today. If only things were still that easy. It was beautiful, I went around the school twice because of how beautiful it was...thinking.

And I wished you could have seen it all with me.
And I wished you could have felt it.

The Middle.

Is the worst place in the world to be.

Hm.

What's up, good mood and optimism? I've missed you guys.

Nostalgia.

The wave of nostalgia sweeping over me is viciously overwhelming. It's almost unbearable, as if a million of those little colored rubber bands are being stretched throughout my brain - each one its own emotionally-damaging or saving memory and thought. I can almost feel the friction where they cross paths. Abrasive, but they continue, regardless.

I have spent so many years in this house. This was the first place I lived when I moved to Texas to Florida. I was sad to leave home, but happy to be near Grandma and Grandpa. It was a big change, but I knew that we would make it. I grew so much, and somehow, I always end up back here periodically at very important, vital parts of my life. Somehow it always seems to be when I feel like giving up. As I sit here, staring out the window, wishing that my grandmother was here for me to talk to...I realize how much I've grown. How much the world has changed around me, and how much I have changed to adapt to the world. How much I still need to learn, and feel, and experience.


And as I sit here, I still feel hopeless...and lost...I wish it was raining. I pray for a thunderstorm. I do not enjoy feeling this way. I wish I could see the future, but I don't. I know I need to persist, for others - I just wish I could persist for myself.

In 2 weeks, I say my goodbyes to Florida. Who knows what Massachusetts will have in store for me. It's terrifying, but I know it needs to happen.

Hm.

No matter how much I may doubt myself, how much I dislike myself, how many backward steps I take - there are small moments, such as certain conversations...and certain arrangements of musical notes....that make me feel alright.

And with that...

I am going to start writing music again.

An actual update of my life

I'm moving to Massachusetts in a couple of weeks.

No.

I am tired of this responsibility to humankind. I am tired of it all.

My red world here, now, means more to me than your blue one. Let me show you.

I am becoming violently detached from humanity. If I had a cell phone, I would stay off the internet completely. I wish it were possible from me to eradicate all human interaction in my life altogether, but I do need a job. It would also be nice if my brain would stop putting together painful situations and looping them in my head for hours on end, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep or think positively.

Help me.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I don't even know who I'm asking, I'm just that fucking desperate. I know I'm stronger than this, but why can't I act or feel like it. I've never felt so lost in my life. I've always given for everyone, and been there for everyone, and right now I really can't even handle my own life.

Hm.

I have discovered many things as of late:

- People are not always kind. People can be cruel, manipulative, unforgiving, menacing, selfish, arrogant, and just outright terrible. These people can be strangers, or people you thought were good, kind people. Either way, you have to press on. You cannot let yourself be dragged down by people like this. It is incredibly difficult. Often people are much like false corpses. They pretend to rot and decay for status, not because it is natural and genuine.

- Then, there are people very much worth your time.

- Then, there is the one person that you will meet that will change your life in ways you never even dreamed possible, and it will complete you.

- Money is absolutely terrible. This isn't something I've just learned, but something that's been echoed louder and louder the more I age.

- Love is always worth it.




To anyone reading this, be optimistic, and thank you for reading it.
I apologize if I jumped around a lot, my writing style is not perfection at 6 AM.
Hope you are well.




EDIT:// Dunno if I believe this anymore.

Deleted.

Post.

Heh.

I was in a terrible mood yesterday, and then it completely switched around. There are a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I'm not really at liberty to talk about them...but things are going to be different...I can tell.

I spent most of the evening putting together a playlist of dancey songs, and making a photobucket for a lot of the pictures I've found over time. I then went outside and laid in the driveway while watching the sunrise and listening to music. It was incredible.


Now I am covered in stickers (the papery nice kind, not the painful ouchy kind).


Also, boys are neat sometimes.

Thoughts.

I've never been much of a fan of myself. Hell, I've always been quite the critic....but suddenly, I feel an immense deal of purpose.

And it is incredibly beautiful and gratifying.
I did not expect to ever feel this way, but I don't want it to stop.

Pain comes and pain goes. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. It switches out, and balance and harmony are achieved. There is no telling why things happen the way they do, but they do anyway. The best you can do is try to work with what you have, and know that it's going to be okay in the end.




This song will always make me euphoric.

Good whatever this is.

I'm not sure whether to wish you a "Good morning" or "Good afternoon". I never know the appropriate status of the day, my times get all screwed up. I haven't been to sleep yet, unfortunately. I was up late, angry about humanity and religion and the like. I was just about to fall asleep around 6:00 AM, when a transformer/streetlight/something blew outside my window, and pretty much startled the hell out of me. The cat was quite upset, too. I wasn't able to get to sleep after that, and I had to wake up at 7:00 for the garage sale anyway.

I was writing this in my actual journal originally, but I thought I might embellish on it here. I was sitting in the garage, watching the rain outside...thinking about how people take it for granted. Then I came inside, and as I was listening to "A Lack of Color" and watching life go on outside, I realized that people really take things for granted in life. Take rain, for instance. Rain is generally deemed unpleasant. People think rain is unfortunate, crappy, what have you. I'm sure it's to do with our obsession with aesthetics, of course. It ruins your hair, so it obviously means bad news. It's unfortunate that people can't appreciate things for what they are. All they can see is how the thing might negatively effect something so trivial and superficial compared to the vast beauty of a thunderstorm, and get all bent out of shape about it. It's the same when people don't stop to look at flowers on walks, or stop to admire the little things in life. People are always in such a rush to get to where they're going. Everyone always wants it to be tomorrow, and nobody wants to reflect on yesterday, or appreciate today. You will never get today back. Is it really necessary for you to miss out on beautiful things, just because you're impatient? I apologize, I'm rambling. It's probably the lack of sleep.

People are just too busy worrying about social status and money to be able to stop for a damn second and appreciate this world that we have to live in, and things that could make your day a lot better if you took the time to see them.

Vessles

It's interesting, in my opinion, to think about objects. All objects are vessels for memories. Even the smallest of objects works this way. For example, think of the remnants of a cigarette you see in a parking lot somewhere. To you, it's just trash. To someone else, it might have been a cigarette to calm down after a really stressful day. Or maybe it was their last cigarette, and then they were quitting. Maybe it was some kid's first cigarette, experiencing that moment for the first time...something they'll always remember. Look at a chair in your living room. Someone had to dream up the creative idea for it. Someone made the executive decision to make it look the way it did, and they did so for some reason. That person maybe had a family, and there's so many more memories tied to that.

Everything has so many different paths of memories that follow it, and everyone sees things so differently from the rest of the world.

Sleep would have been nice.

Today is one of those days where I'd really just like to listen to Death Cab and disappear. There are things in my life I'm very fortunate to have, and when I think of those things I can be happy...but it's been a terrible week. I just want to blast Death Cab and drive, and not look back. I wish I had a place to go to hide other than my head. I wish I had a haven. I want to blend into the horizon and stay there until everything can be okay again.

Sleep would be nice.

Apparently, unless it was just a very rare occasion...Generic Nyquil makes me hallucinate. This is pretty much unpleasant. I was up every 5-10 minutes last night and I could not tell what was a dream and what wasn't. It was terrifying. I was afraid I might never wake up. I don't know why this week has been so bad, but I'm kind of wishing it would stop. I would be able to deal with it even in the slightest, too, if I wasn't so violently sick.